You may have read my post about how I let my child watch TV. It’s true! I know. I know. Awful parent. I believe in all things in moderation. Well, nearly all things.
Anyway, I have watched a fair bit of CBeebies over the last four years, from sticking on ‘Me Too!’ at stupid o’clock in the morning to settling down for an episode of Audrey’s most beloved, ‘Topsy and Tim,’ before dinner.
Well it’s about time for a bit of a run down of who, from the collected CBeebies characters, I would most like to exterminate and why. Here we go,
1., PC Plum.
‘I’m PC Plum and I’ll tell you what I’ve done, I’ve peddled round this fair old island once or twice,’
Yes, well, I’m sure you have officer but this is a kids show and we really don’t want to hear about it. Seriously though, PC Plum is the most inept police officer, possibly ever. He seems way more concerned with finding peoples doggies, stroking owls and looking at butterflies than actually doing any real police work. Get off your arse and catch some crooks PC Plum!! Stop farting around looking at nature with a magnifying glass!
2., Postman Pat
Look, I know he’s a classic and yes, I used to watch him as a child too but even back then I found his out of proportion head, nose and lack of fingers a little disturbing, not to mention the way that every single day he totally f***s up at his job. We all have a bad day at work from time to time but Pat takes it to a whole new level.
Buck your ideas up Pat! Oh and grow an extra finger!
Seriously, what is up with Drum? Why can’t she speak in sentences?
That is enough of a reason actually.
4., Topsy and Tim’s Mum
She is way way too cheerful about having twins, always has a clean and tidy house and somehow manages to find the time to go for a jog despite obviously not needing to lose any weight or improve her figure at all. Look, here she sits, merrily removing lice from the heads of her subservient children. Exterminate!
5., Rosie from ‘Everything’s Rosie.’
She is just so laaaame. It’s like someone has bleached her personality. Her hair is made of ribbons, she keeps a bunny prisoner, she has a squeaky voice . . . need I continue?
These annoy me for one main reason, there is no way that their tiny little bodies can possibly support the weight of their heads. I mean, there may be many other annoying things about them, but that is their main offence.
He is just plain old irritating and that it is all really. It’s something about his facial expressions and relentless cheerfulness despite working in a cafe on a train and being made to wear some horrific outfits. Generally the wardrobe department for this programme have got a lot to answer for.
Movements too jerky. Craft activities very mediocre.
I enjoyed a Pontipines episode of In the Night Garden when Audrey was into it about as much as I enjoyed a Sun and Jin episode when I was into watching Lost.
Aside from having a very irritating voice, being a right little smarty pants and generally projecting her anxieties onto everyone else my main issue with Kip is, why oh why does she never get out of the ‘Kip’ mobile? There is always some excuse. She’s going to stay and ‘clean’ the kip mobile. She’s going to stay and have a little sleep. She has to stay behind and keep an eye on the kip mobile. Yeah right Kip! Enough with the excuses. Get out of the magical golf buggy and get involved.
I leave you with the dulcet tones of PC Plum.