4:46 am Breastfeeding.
I don’t know why babies feel the need to constantly slap you in the face while you feed them. I think their ultimate aim is to get your mouth. They want to slap you in the mouth, slip their little fingers in, grab your lip and then kind of ping it back into your face. That is a really fun game for a baby. Especially if you are trying to have a conversation with someone.
I am not having a conversation with anyone.
Me and the baby are the only ones up.
My feet are freezing.
The room is rather dimly lit and messy. There is an abandoned squeaky panda face down on the floor on my way back to the door. It’s a Lamaze toy so the squeak is very sensitive. Must avoid on the way back to bed.
The main challenge on the way back to bed with the baby is the bedroom. Once I have closed the door I have to try and memorise where the piles of stuff and sticking out parts of furniture are around the room as I make my way to his cot. Inevitably I fail and I constantly have bruises on the front of both thighs due to walking into the corners of the bed in the dark. I hate that bed so much. The corners stick out and our bedroom is tiny and has a cot in it. It’s really not ideal.
Baby is now using my boob as a kind of microphone for a rather flamboyant vocal performance. I latch him off thinking he’s done and he slowly turns his head up toward my face like,
“How god dam DARE YOU!!!”
I stick him back on and he continues feeding and singing into my boob.
11:38 Brief lunch break while baby naps.
Just wolfing down some soup before preschool pick up then this afternoon heading to the baby weigh in.
Baby weigh ins are weird. You basically take all your babies clothes off, stick them on some scales and hope they don’t choose that moment to produce a colossal dump. Meanwhile the fifty something health visitor peers over her glasses at you as you fumble with various vests, tiny socks etc and fires some random questions at you about things like whether or not they are having ‘tummy time’ or whether you feel ok ‘in yourself’ and all the while calling you Mum, which is probably the weirdest thing about it.
‘So are you getting much sleep Mum?’
‘But you’re feeling ok ‘in yourself‘ though Mum?’
‘Errrr yes I’m ok in myself?! We’re okaaaayyy aren’t we Arrrrthurrrr? Dum deeee dum!!”
Oh crap. Better go. Need to at least put some mascara on so they don’t ask me if I’m thinking about ending my life at all like they did last time.
9:28 pm Shit I should really be in bed
Afternoon at baby weigh in was rather manic but fun for the girls. The health visitor didn’t ask me about suicide. Went for coffee with a friend and her two kiddies afterwards. Sounds civilised. The three year olds did actually manage to sit at the table for a decent amount of time drinking hot chocolate before running around the cafe throwing teddies around and squealing.
I dragged them out of the cafe and into the toy section of the supermarket five minutes before we left to give my friend chance to finish her coffee without the sound of squealing.
‘Come on girls lets go and look at the toooyyyyss! Let’s go and seeeee what we can fiiiiind.’ I trill whisking my friends baby along as well.
After a few minutes the girls are sitting on the floor of the DVD aisle squealing with laughter, making fart noises (with their mouths) and wiggling hologram fronted DVD cases in each other’s faces. I am jiggling the baby around in a kind of punctuated circle near them. I notice that a lady has stopped her shopping and is unabashedly staring at me and the girls.
‘Oh, they’re not all mine,’ I say wiping a chocolate stain monobrow off the face of my one with my non baby jiggling hand.
‘HEYYY!! DON’T DO DATT!!! Shouts my threenager before throwing her teddy down towards the end of the aisle and then running after it. Her little friend squeals with delight and disappears after her round the corner.
I did beans and cheese on toast for tea and my Mum helped me bath them and get them into bed. I let Audrey have her rubber ring in the bath which she was really really pleased about and she dried it off and sort of used it like a teddy at story time and snuggled up with it.
I pass her room on the way up to put the baby to bed later and she is fast asleep with one eye half open, one hand in her mouth and the other holding her rubber ring like she has just washed up on the beach.
Sometimes I think I love them most when they’re asleep.